.hindered.

Dear Blog,

Whoever said getting a 4.0 average qualifies you to become a doctor?

I used to think so. But, not anymore.

Frankly speaking..I gambled with my future. I am the type of person who prefers to follow the flow when it comes to things that I am uncertain of. For example...I promised myself,

"...if I get a 4.0 average for both semesters in Matriculation, I guess I'll just have to apply for a medical degree at the local universities..."

I didn't know what other courses to take other than graphics (not even that good), art (again, not even that good), music (don't know how to read notes. Plus, it's just a hobby), Math (hate statistics, love the rest), English (a teacher maybe?) etc.

I admit, that was very arrogant of me. I believed that my brain was one of those rarities where I can study last minute and remember almost everything. I can watch and listen while I write down lecture notes swiftly. Lectures are forever embedded in my mind, it was quite unnecessary to do daily revisions. A week before finals would suffice.

It worked though. That was how I suceeded during my matrix and managed to get chosen as one of those pelajar cemerlang students afterwards. I heard about that Anugerah Kecemerlangan thingy before entering matrix, and I really hoped to be apart of that, since I am such an over-achiever.. Alhamdulillah, God answered my prayers and with that I am forever grateful.

Now, my mind has pretty much shutdown most of it's non-medical activities. I have become ignorant to the rest of the world.

• I can't remember directions to and fro
• I can't calculate simple mathematical equations as well as I used to
• I can't draw anymore
• I don't know what songs to play when I hold my guitar
• I'm a pathological sleeper
• I tend to have mood swings
• I couldn't care less about my surroundings
• I love being alone

and many, many more. I feel so lost...empty and depressed. I need help.

My group and I had our very first bedside teaching today. It was interesting, but not interesting enough for me to ignore the ache I felt in my feet, ankles, head and heart.

My feet and ankles were tired for standing too long
My head was throbbing for thinking too much and not understanding the signs, symptoms and CVS physical examination (PE)

...My heart was aching, for I did not want to be there...

This is only the end of our second week and already I think going to the ward is boring. I enjoy doing and observing procedures, but other than that clerking patients and getting rejected often is a bore.

So, who deserves to wear the white coat?
Do I deserve to enclose my body with that single white piece of fabric?

Why does it feel like I don't?

• I don't work as hard as the others
• I don't often go to the wards to clerk patients, I just go to the hospital to eat...the yummy Nasi Lemak
• If I do go to the wards, it's not as early in the morning as the rest
• I don't have interest in revising whatever it is I did that day in the wards when I'm back in my dorm
• I can't answer most questions the docs ask me

I sometimes feel ashamed to make eye contact with the doctors. I'm afraid to know what they can see through my eyes.

• What if they can see right through me?
• What if what they see is just a fraud walking by?
• What if my eyes portray nothing but a void?
• Will they detect apathy?

I have no answers to all the questions bearing in my mind. But there is ONE question I would really like to know the answer to...


Do I really want this?

.just l e n a.