Is it me? Or is it them?

Dear Blog,

Wow! It's been awhile, hasn't it? Stupid tetamu-ukm.

Anyway, I'm supposed to have ZT lecture at 2pm. But I skipped it, due to the sleep deprivation state that I am in. I don't know the cause of this condition, however I know I am not having insomnia because I can sleep. I just have trouble initiating this slumbering process. Otherwise, it's all good.

Recently, I have rekindled my friendship with this certain someone. After a few weeks of not wanting to text or even contact him at YM, I finally gave way to temptation. As they say :

"...the only way to get rid of temptation is by giving in to it..."

However, it's not like jumping of a cliff or anything. It's just wanting to know how a friend's doing and stuff. I have set my mind to letting nature take its course. I am seriously fed-up of men at the moment (but it doesn't hurt to crush on some of 'em..lol).

I'm tired of observing this BIG gap in the relationship system. A glitch, in the dating realm. What gap am I talking about, you're asking?

It's this horrific cavity that I fear I'm in. What surrounds this gap is actually guys, which can be divided into 2 groups:

The taken
The single but unavailable

What the heck happened to the in betweens?
Aren't graphs supposed to overlap each other at some point?
Not if they're a completely and extremely diversed graph.

I'm lying smack in the middle, just waiting for the taken to be UN-taken and the single but unavailable to be UN-unavailable.

I'm sick of seeing relationships, but can't help being envious of that special bond.

People keep telling me, your time will come, yada-yada-yada.
That's really just them being optimistic. But, since I'm a pessimist, I'm sticking to my Plan B - which is being an old haggard spinster.

Take that MFs. Definitely PO-ed at the moment.

Do you think people sell books about relationships? Or maybe teach them in classes, tutorials and lectures? Coz I have a feeling I might need to attend a few to get the gist of all this stuff. I seriously don't know what is wrong with me that pushes guys away or even scare them off. I seriously don't know.

But what I do know is, I'm fed-up. And I pity the next guy that comes up to me to even try. Coz I'm just freakishly frickin' Fed-fudging-up.

I'm pathetic. So, if you think you're pathetic too, but want to do something about it. Here are a few tips:

SIX DATING BEHAVIORS GUARANTEED TO SCARE MEN AWAY

1. Trash-talking your ex
2. Paranoia runs rampant, respect his guy-time
3. Trash-talking other women
4. Fishing for compliments
5. Clingy and possessive
6. Pushing friends on him

For more info, click here

.l e n a's prodigy.

just a worried granddaughter

Dear Blog,

As you know, I'm done with the Neuroscience module. So what's next? REPRODUCTIVE MODULE! I'm sure all 'em males can't wait to learn this stuff HA-HA. Hmmm.. but I'm not so sure about the Medic guys in my batch though. They can be a bore sometimes. I've always imagined how it'd be like to be in University where everyone's older, mature but at the same time free from being a kid and doing things they'd never imagine doing. But ever since I entered UKM, feels like there aren't many changes. It's just the same as school - guys being afraid to approach you, let alone look at you and there will always be gangs. The cool and famous, the smart and intelligent, the MIAs, the "i've never seen them before" and the misfits. I wonder which group I'm in.

Anyway, I'm at home right now - predictable, I know. And when I woke up this morning, Sarah told me that Tok Mum fell a few minutes before. She also said that her temple is pretty bruised. So the first thing I did in the morning was checkup on Tok Mum.

Saw the bruise, it wasn't badly raised yet and there aren't any bluish-purplish discoloration yet. It wasn't red too, so maybe it wasn't that bad. But I couldn't help applying the stuff I recently learned from Neuroscience.

My grandmother has history of HPT, DM and stroke. And the significance of that is there might be a possibilty of stroke recurrence. Years ago, she had poor compliance of her medications and had repeated trauma to the head due to her weakness. Therefore, she had several episodes of stroke and had been admitted to the hospital a few times due to this cerebrovascular accident (CVA). Alhamdulillah, praise Allah for His kindess because He gave my grandmother more than just 2 chances of life.

I'm just worried if it might happen again. Her compliance is very good nowadays. She remembers to take it herself, and is also reminded by all of us - her family. But the thing that I'm oh-so grateful for is Tok Wan, for being there for Tok Mum through thick and thin. Without him, all of us wouldn't be where we are now. Tok Wan reminds Tok Mum of her medications, takes care of her when she's ill and well, and so many more that I can't even list down because it's A LOT!

.I love them so much.

If anything happens to them, I don't know if I can forgive myself. I'm also afraid if I might be lost after they're gone. They are my everything, my heart and soul.

So, when Tok Mum fell this morning. I was afraid of its impact and outcome. My medical brain was already generating all these silly mechanisms of what's happening deep in Tok Mum's head.

Repeated trauma to the head can lead to Subdural haemorrhage, a condition where there is rupture of bridging veins in the subdural space of the brain. There are many types of Intracranial Haemorrhages, and some of the causes are somewhat similar. The most important risk factor for stroke is Hypertension (HPT), a rise in blood pressure (BP). The normal range for BP is less than 120mmhg systole and less than 80mmhg diastole. So anything more than that is dangerous. However, all of our BPs vary due to difference in time of day, age, gender, race and more. Complications may occur if it's also too low. For example, hypotension (a very, very big reduction of BP) may lead to hypoperfusion. That means the organs, tissues and cells in the body might not get enough blood. So they might end up not functioning properly.

I think that one of the reasons I took Medicine is because of Tok Mum and Tok Wan. I feel as though in a way, I can help them by learning medic. I can't diagnose them, no-way. But I can give advice on things that may help whatever it is that they need help in. So, again Alhamdulillah...I made it thus far.

In conclusion, I'm worried about both Toks' health. Tok Mum recently got gout but refused to go for a check-up. Both Intan and I managed to persuade her, so she has an appointment with her doc on the 12th of March. So long??! We also gave advice on the food that she should avoid eating. Sarah played an important role in this too, eventhough she's a future lawyer hehe. She searched for the type of food Gout patients should avoid and wrote it all down. Thank you for your concern Sarah. Ritz has been nothing but helpful at home. Without a strong man in a household, things can go wrong, so for that I'm also grateful. Everyday I pray for Toks' health and well-being and I wanna say thanks to God for answering my prayers. Eventhough both grandparents have old-aged illnesses, but the type of illnesses are less severe compared to what other old people have such as Alzheimer's, Parkinson's, bone diseases, cancer and more.

In case you haven't seen the world's Cutest couple ever, here are a few pics:

THEN

NOW

Ok, before I'm off I just wanna say I checked on Tok Mum to see how she's doing and saw a raised, bluish discolorated lump at her temple. It's starting its healing process. Alritey, taatz~

l e n a out~

How rude!! >=(

Dear Blog,

I'd like to share this lil piece of experience with you. After reading this, you will be able to identify an important factor on why I rarely crush on M guys.

Today, I had lunch at K1 with my friend Christina (Chris for short). We spotted an empty table, left our bags on our respective chairs and headed towards the Claypot counter.

I tell you this, if you were a wise person...wait, you don't have to be wise to know this. Let's say if you had common sense...hmmm...that doesn't apply here either. IF YOU HAD A STINKIN' BRAIN!! you would know that someone's actually sitting there, since there's a bag and stuff. So who in the right mind sits at a table where there are bags and folders? STUPID PEOPLE, that's who.

That was what happened to Chris and I. We were at the claypot counter, queuing to buy us some yummy claypot. So, when I turned my head over to our table I spotted these dumb looking M guys, looking really selekeh and dumb as usual. So I thought to myself, "Oh no. I bet they're gonna sit at our spot." Didn't need to be a gypsy to figure that out. So, I told Chris about those stupid guys over at our table. Chris said she wants to see what happens when we approach them with our food, however, I just wanted to avoid any confrontations.

I looked over my shoulder again to see what they did to our stuff and saw that they piled our bags and folders onto a chair and pushed that chair aside and took our seats to join their group of friends at OUR table.

I started to heat up. Chris was already mad.

I saw an empty table behind "our" table and told Chris we should just move. But she insisted on seeing their reactions when we approach that table. Chris lead the way, but I just put my claypot on the empty table and saw Chris coming up to those guys. I went over to that table and took my stuff and a few of 'em looked our way while a few others were too stupid to look at us. So we ended up sitting at the empty table.

As I sat, Chris asked me "Did you notice anything?" and I was like, "Was I supposed to notice something?" (I was so mad, I couldn't think straight). Chris was like, "yeah, they didn't even apologize for what they did to us". Then it hit me, Chris was right. Those sh*tholes not only avoided looking at our direction, but were downright rude to the very core of hell. I don't give a sh*t if they're the type that goes to the surau every hour and mengaji or whatever, their parents did not teach them any manners and etiquettes. How dare they!

Throughout our whole meal, both of us were complaining on how rude most M guys are and how I prefer C guys more, especially when it comes to manners, style and the way they bring themselves. The guy behind Chris even knocked her chair without saying sorry. I tell you, these losers will go nowhere in life with that attitude. Bunch of A-holes. Gi mampus la! kay-jee sya!

These are those losers. The fat guy in black took my spot and another fat guy in front of him took Chris's. I'm like, frickin' PO-ed.

I would never date poeple like them, so kay-jee. Look at their faces, what are you smiling about? Not a care in the world. Just remember, what goes around comes around and one day I hope they'll find themselves in our situation. Then they'll know how we felt. I would never date these kinds of people, not even if they're the last species on earth. I'd rather turn into a lesbian. Sheeeesh!

That's all for today. I don't feel fully relieved, but I feel slightly better. Especially since I checked my grade for the reflective writing. I got 12/13! YES! Anyway, I'm sleepy. Wanna get some rest.

Turns out this coming Neuroscience formative test on Friday will have 4 essay questions. I'M SO DEAD! LOL. I'd prolly start studying soon. I hope I do. Til then, taatz!

l e n a out~

Running E on V-day

Dear Blog,

.Some people have it, some people don't.

That's how I'd like to begin my post tonight.

.religious views VS Valentines Day.

I know that there's this big argument about our religious beliefs and Valentine's Day, so I won't broach on that subject. Just know that I am indeed aware of the controversial facts and it shall be avoided to evade any 'hullobaloos'.

Ok, so my February 14th was just another regular day. Same as always, spend time with family, spend some money, and become a homebody. Due to this lack of excitement life of mine, I'll spare you its gory details.

Not having a boyfriend is really no problem for me. I have survived almost 21 years of solitary lifestyle, what's another few dozens right? I can say however that I am envious of those who have someone special in their lives whom isn't a family member.

• To share things you can never share with other people, not even family.
• A shoulder to cry on, when there is no one BUT his shoulder.
• A punching bag, to express yourself so violently that only he could understand.

It didn't hit me at first, that morning of V-day. It felt like just another regular day. I woke up, got ready, ate breakfast, yada-yada-yada. Went out with sibs, ate at MPH's Book Cafe, Subang Parade to celebrate Ritz's 11th place win for Merentas Desa (congrats!) and bought Big Apple on the way to Carrefour for a lil last minute grocery shopping.
So very normal indeed.

That evening, my hermanas and I made desserts - Jenna's famous Trifle and The twins' French Dessert a.k.a Rice Pudding, a recipe from Nigella (thank you AFC). This event however, is not normal. Us sisters seldom cook, bake or even go in the kitchen haha. I shall re-edit this post in the future to add a few snapshots of that day.

Anyway, back to the story. Come night fall, my 2 lovely sisters were getting ready for their V-day date with their Valentines. So, there I was lying on the bed watching them putting their make-up on, getting their hair done, talking and laughing about their plans later and stuff. And it finally hit me.

Where am I in all of this? Why is is that I'm lying on the bed with my jammies on and not getting ready to meet the love of my life? (this does not apply to everyone. Love is subjective.) Will I ever get a chance to love and be loved? Am I so unapproachable that not even a real man would even try?

From the beginning of the day, I felt so full, happy and unaware of my loneliness. But at that very same night, all I felt was emptiness. How could one feel so full and yet empty in just 24hrs? I was on the verge of breaking, to cry like how I always cry when I see my sisters with their partners. I know that it's pretty silly to cry when they're happy, but what about me? Don't I deserve to be that happy too?

After my hermanas left, I burried myself in my notes to kononnya start and finish my PBL. But my thoughts were tangled and my concentration were nowhere near Medic. So, I went to the TV room - not to watch TV, but to sleep. So, that's my Valentine's Day celebration for ya.

The next day, Jenna and Leanna told me what their Valentines had planned. Oh god, it was beautiful. It was romantic. Just like how a romantic movie would plot, and in turn give all kinds of women ideas on how they want their boyfriends to plan for Valentine's Day. I was jealous, but those feelings were burried underneath my sisterly exterior. They need not know of my sorrow, at least not now. So, like I said before - some people have it, some poeple don't. I guess I'm the latter. Til then, cheerios!

l e n a out~

Shoot...Missed the Drugs~

Dear Blog..

I am sitting in my room.
In front of me laptop.
Missed my first lecture today, which was at 9am.
Nvm, it's about drugs anyway. You don't need to be in the lecture hall to learn that. Drugs are meant to be studied when you're all alone in the confinements of your own space.

Today's second lecture is also about DRUGS! So, I was thinkin' of skipping that too. But, I wouldn't wanna spoil my study mood by starting to be malas early in the week. I should start my malas mood when it's almost near weekends, like let's say...Wednesday good enough for ya? LOL. It's 10.17am and I should start my walking at 10.30 so I'd reach the faculty at around 10.50 and text Anis to tell me when the lecturer's out so I can sneak in hehe.

Darn, 10.19. Will the time EVER STOP??!

Alritey, guess I'd best be on my way now - getting ready I mean.

So, I'll chat with ya later then? Taatz~

l e n a out~

Error?!

Dear Blog,

Why is it that I am unable to view and read you?
Did something happen to you?
Did you catch a virus?
Are you ill???

.Confessions of a concerned friend.

l e n a out~

For the sake of blogging

Dear blog,

I realized that I have totally Diary-a-fied you. But, s'all good...right? hehe

Anyways, thanks to the rapid internet connection in K1 (note the sarcasm) I haven't had the opportunity to blog recently. So, here I am blogging...for the sake of blogging I guess.

I have this heavy burden on me. It feels as though the gravity is pulling me there, at my chest region. Where it should be pulling is actually my butt and thighs due to the high fat composition! haha.

The factors contributing to the chest load:

1. Medic
2. Medic
3. Medic
4. Financial instability
5. Family instability
6. Mental instability
7. Emotional instability

There are 7 factors, 3 of which are due to my studies. OK, 3/7? That's like 42.86%, which is almost half of the total chest load. So what does this tell me?

.I don't know, you tell me.

Yeah, sure. If real life problems can be solved by using mathematical equations (save the show called Numb3rs), I'd be fat and happy.

Exam's in less than 4 weeks to go. So, you know the drill. I'd like to share a lil piece of info on how I study.
Days/Weeks til Final Exam:

• 4 weeks - Chillin'
• 3 weeks - Wondering why everyone's staying back at the library
• 2 weeks - Mad at a few groups for making me stressed seeing them study
• 1 week - Uh-oh...study week. 24hr study time (minus the daily routines)
• 1 day before - Study late at night til the morning after (a few hours before the 1st exam paper)

and that "1 day before" routine persists til the end of exam week. Imagine the sleep deprivation state that I will be in. Tsk, tsk.

How come I don't just study at a minimum of one month before, you ask? In a simpler way to answer that, I'm more of a last minute kinda gal. So, my studying period begins when or IF I have the mood to study. Imagine that, eh? It's so hard. Even when I look at other students study, I'd feel stressed out. But even that, isn't enough to make me have the mood to study. That mood just automatically and involuntarily comes at precisely 1 fudging week before finals. What am I supposed to do til then? Sit back and wait? I have to DO something! I'm a medical student for goodness sake! I am studying at a degree level, and it's career after that stage. I still imagine myself as a student in school. Taking education a bit lightly, and tak sedar diri, prioritizing on my social experience and sports more than my studies.

What kinda doctor will I end up being if I continue on like this? Haiyaa.. I'm so stressed out...sometimes I think I stress over nothing, and yet, it's everything. Could it be that medical students enjoy being stressed? That's why a few of us study at the very last minute? To get that stress rush, and insyaAllah if we get a reasonable result we'd feel more content? If that's the case, then I say "shame on you medical students".

Dahlah, I'm too malas to express my thoughts on medic. It'd be a lifetime full of blog entries to actually finish. Til then, I'd like to tell myself "padan muka!" hahaha

l e n a out~

Comm Skills, I Have None

Dear Blog,

Here I am, in UKM trying to re-adjust my life back to the way things were before my long, long, long holiday began...then suddenly, *poof* a tonne of bricks just falls on me. Now, I don't mean that literally however, after recalling back on today's incident I might as well have been squashed by an aeroplane for all I care.

.Farah? What bothers you so?.

I'll tell you what, you freaky-voice-in-my-head you, this whole curricular system that we have in UKM can really bring you down sometimes. I mean, there's this thing that we call Standardized Patients (SP) where our medic faculty pay a few people to act as patients and later give their feedbacks on how each students' performances were like. Well, we had that today for our PPD strand and boy, was it a blast! (note the sarcasm).

The scenario was, us Persatuan Mahasiswa/i Fakulti Perubatan, PERSIAP people were holding a health campaign on "LOVE and PROTECT your HEART" and there were clinical booths, posters and an examination room for Medical Officers (MO) or lecturers to do med checkup for em people that participate this campaign. Each student was required to act as the officer in charge of the information table and probe our SP on what it is that he/she wants to know about the the risk factors of living an unhealthy or inactive lifestyle.

Now, that seems simple enough, right? WRONG! The SP was supposed to rate us on our performance based on a 1-3 scale. Most of my PBL-mates got 2/3 and one guy even got 3/3. So how did I do? 1/3!!! Like, wha' the fudge? He, the SP said that my confidence wasn't shining and that whatever explanation and information I gave was "kurang jelas". Like, how mad was I? But, after awhile I cooled down and reflected on my performance and figured I sorta did badly. Now, it wasn't much about the info I gave but more towards how I channeled my knowledge into Layman's term.

My other problem was the language barrier. The SP - being an orang kampung and all, preferred us to speak Malay. English is my first language, always have and always will be. So when the time comes for me to speak Malay, it takes me a moment to think the appropriate words in English, and translate and formulate it to the correct Malay sentence in my head and actually speaking it out aloud with the correct pronounciation and stuff. So, in the midst of that speech mechanism of mine, I tend to go "uhhhh" and "ummm" and possibly stutter until I get the right Layman Malay terminology.

Despite all this, I have learnt my weakness as a doctor-to-be and that is to communicate well with really, really Malay patients. And to be aware of this weakness before I hit clinical years is really a blessing in disguise. And with that, maybe this system in UKM ain't that bad. I just need to catch up on things, follow the flow, and maybe reach their high-standards of doctor becomings. I am thankful and grateful for being at UKM...sometimes. HAHA. Alritey, gots ta go...ciao bella~

l e n a out~