Dear Blog,
I just can't tell you how
anxious I get whenever I'm around
people. My
palms and
armpits get sweaty (ngehehe guess i didn't hafta tell you that), my heart races and my mind just goes swimming around without being able to focus on...well, anything.
I experience this anxiety attack
everytime I'm in a public place...my bad, I mean
ESPECIALLY somewhere public. Even though all eyes
AREN'T on me, I feel as if everyone's watching. That's sorta one of the reasons I guess. Another reason would be because I over think about my actions and am afraid of accidentally tripping and falling on my face. Yeah, it's not like it has happened to me before but...there's a first time for everything right? I'm just hoping that that first time would be like...in a long run, not now...please not anytime soon, LOL.
Why am I talking about this? Coz my
SSM meetings are usually held at Ibnu Sina, where other groups also hold meetings. And everytime I step foot in there, I see
alotta people. And just by knowing that there are 'people' around, my heart starts racing. I don't even dare to look them in the eye, no way. That'll make things worse. I might,
drop my phone...
trip over my own foot...
run into a chair or table and...well, other possible embarrassing scenarios.
Oooh, another good example would be...at the
Bank.
I
ALWAYS get
anxious while waiting for my number to pop-up on that
black and
red screen where they tell you which counter to proceed to. I always have to
predict which counters I might get,
plan my route to get to that specific counter and
look-out for any obstacles that I might bump into that would result in a very, very unforgettable
public humiliation. When the number just before mine pops-up on the screen, I start sweating and I can't keep still. I start tapping my right foot and go through all those plans all over again in my mind. It's a tedious process, but someone has to do it, LOL.
But! The thrill doesn't end there.
When I finally succeed getting to the counter
unscathed, the palpitation doesn't end there. I also get nervous when talking to those counter people. Sometimes I can even hear my heart pounding against my chest wall, I can barely hear what the person on the opposite side of the counter is saying. Often, I'ma hafta ask that person to repeat the instructions, or repeat the question they just asked.
And the worst part about these situations is that at the end of our 'conversation', you ALWAYS have to sign something.
The signing part is pretty much the
climax of my
anxiety attack. They offer you a pen, you receive it with shaking hands. Then you look at the piece of paper you're supposed to sign, and you forget where you're supposed to sign in the first place. Ughhh! Then, with tremors of the left hand holding the paper down...the shaking right hand attempts to draw a confident signature on that insignificant piece of paper.
And voila! The sweating, the palpitation, the loud drumbeat you hear at the back of your head and the shortness of breath symptoms...disappear...as if all that
NEVER happened.
How strange.
I told Jenna about these anxiety attacks I have, told her I might have
social phobia. But she disagrees, saying if I were a socio-phobe, I wouldn't be able to perform in front of audiences. I wouldn't be able to dance, sing, play guitar, be an MC or whatever it is I do for a living. I wouldn't be able to present in front of those scary doctors and whatnot.
It's very contradicting. I mean, I feel very strongly about this problem. I think I do have a phobia towards the public. Heck, I can't even stare at people directly in the eye. When I do, I quickly glance away. Sometimes I even force myself to stare at people's eyes just to prove to myself that I'm not afraid. Nevertheless, fear gets the best of me most of the time.
But, fear of what??
.sometimes, i just can't take it anymore.l e n a.
