if i could just pull the trigger for her, for me

Her pain let go
Darkness descends upon her
A wailing gunshot echoes through the empty room
The cool metal of the trigger tempting her
Fingers wrapped ever so delicately around black steel
Warm tears streaking from suffering eyes
With trembling knees
Forgotten
She's there alone
In a dark, disconsolate room

-Kayleigh

when the week ends, its only the beginning

Dear Blog,

Can't wait for this weekend!! yay! =)

.btw, i knew it! l e n a.

What's missing?

Dear Blog,

I realized something.
I don't think I'd be missed if I were to die...

Today

Tomorrow

or

The day after and after and after that.

Family? Hopefully they'll miss me.

That's ok. You were given birth to alone...that means you'll die alone. But then again, that rule doesn't apply to me coz I had Leanna with me in my mom's womb.

I miss you Leanna! Bring me back a Leprechaun! I want me bucket of gold! and a rainbow too if possible. muahhs! =) Have fun in the land of Ire!

.money, money, money, buy my rice and curry, l e n a.

guilty as charged

Dear Blog,

She told me that she feels guilty for she had been using him just as a fun experience at that time but not wanting to end up with someone like that for marriage.

I told her that he should feel guilty for he had been using her as his back-up plan for marriage but wants to have fun with other people for now.

So, which one's worse?

.what a mess, l e n a.

love my BF

Dear Blog,

Difficult. Very difficult.

Tried following Beyonce's "Single Ladies" choreography, but to no avail. All 3 of us, (Intan, Dina and I) succeeded til only up to a quarter of the dance and gave up. It got too...err...complicated.

Then, we continued to Britney's "Overprotected" choreography...bolehlah skit2...still...I think we're just too rusty now. Gotta put 'em oil at our joints...LOL.

Afterwards...Intan showed us America's Best Dance Crew (ABDC)...I LOVE Beat Freaks (BF)! I love them so much! That's how I wanna dance..man. Owhhh, Quest Crew pun terer gila! Holy Moly! They make me feel like jumping off my feet and start dancing. Yowza!

So, yeah. The 3 of us started dancing again...miss those days =((

.let's dance, l e n a.

overwhelmed

Dear Blog,

Worried, worried, worried.

I'm worried about my dear lil bro's further in his education.

He's a smart boy, but he doesn't know what he wants. That's the trouble with Malaysia's educational system. You encourage "cemerlang" students...but, cemerlang in what?

Most of these students don't even know what they want. Who cares if they get straight A+...what's supposed to be important is they get A+ in what they want.

This is so wrong, and I'm not liking it.

He's so far considering Mechanical Engineering or a major in Health Science (don't worry Anwar, not a doctor. eventho initially, i think he was leaning a bit towards being a surgeon, LOL). Owh, another crazy suggestion of his was a major in weapons engineering? Wth? Banyak sangat main game lah awak tuh, hehe.

Prob is, he doesn't know where to go and where to apply. UPU, yes, but which university or college offers the best of the best courses? Argghh..pening2, I feel as though I'm the one who's going through all this. I'm going online, checking all 'em universities, JPA, MARA...taking their numbers so we could contact them later.

After researching about all this, I figured, I was damn lucky to have gotten matrix as my second chance at education and to have made it thus far. Otherwise, who knows where I might've end up. But, I'm confident that Ritz will do the right thing. He always does, coz his favourite line would be...and I quote...

"I know what I'm doing"

LOL. Love you bro!

.wonder years, l e n a.

bull-a-fo wings

Dear Blog,

I don't know what to write about, really. Hols has been pretty boring...(til i got that FB message from YOU Leanna.c'mon..SPILL!)

Nothing to do. Nak habiskan buku Shadowfall...but tak baca-baca lagi.

Astro has been playing the same movies and shows over and over again. (i don't mind watching reruns of F.R.I.E.N.D.S., though. it's never NOT funny!)

I don't get the deal with this Astro b.yond thing. Other than worrying about the High Definition (HD) quality...why not fix that annoying cacat-ness when it rains or when the wind blows heavily? I mean, think about it. When it's raining or when there's a storm brewing...one of the only places people head for shelter is...duh~ AT HOME. So, when they're at home...what else is there to do other than watch TiVo? But how are we to do THAT when the stupid Astro's always rosak when it rains? You wanna talk quality? Fix that crap.

I think someone should really provoke Astro. They think they're all high and mighty since they're the only company that provides us with hundreds and hundreds of channels. Someone's gotta scare em off a bit and offer a bit of competition. That way, they'll fix whatever they took for granted. Just like what happened to Mega TV (remember that thing?with the weird looking antenna?) Astro was wayy better than Mega TV (even if it was the first subscription-based TV service ever in Msia). Mega TV was rather basic compared to the whopping service provided by Astro. However, some things just don't improve as much as we want it to.

I'm just saying, the bills are getting more expensive. So, why not offer service equivalent to the money we give??

Anyway, why the heck am I talking about all this? What a waste of time. Gotta go...ciao!

.all bull, l e n a.

resol-ute

Dear Blog,

Ughhh!

I hate men. You egotistical s**theads! P.O.S.

Bodoh~

.losers i tell ya, l e n a.

=)

Dear Blog,

I am so happy!! Alhamdulillah! Not only did I pass, there's even more good news! My bucuk, googoo lady gaga brother - Ritz just received great news about his SPM results!

CONGRATULATIONS!!!

Unless Ritz's real name is Lim Zi Wei Adrian of class 2008, this is not his result slip. Haha. Fooled ya! I don't know who this is, but I found it online. Owh, Ritz's result ain't like this of course...gila ke apa? With the way he studied, it would be a miracle if he really got this.

Anyway, I'll post his real results in a jiff (it's with him right now, duh~) but til then...settle for this dude's result yeah? =)

OMG! I'm so proud of you! Hmmm, I could've sworn he was sleeping a lot during his study week like...that got me worried. He kept telling me that he knows what he was doing. I didn't believe him. And now...ta-daa! Genius lah you! =) No wonder he wasn't at all shaky, all palpitations and dyspnoea last night (that's how I was before I got my final sem result yesterday).

He told me after getting up, solat subuh, solat hajat, went jogging and went online this morning...he felt calm and at peace (like..whoa. I woke up at 9.30am just now..whoops).

Soo, this weekend...2 reasons to celebrate =)

.happy happy happy, l e n a.

step here

Dear Blog,

Had breakfast downstairs just now, switched on TiVo and watched "Apa Apa Aje". Today's topic was of interest to me for I did not change channels. They were discussing about:

Anak "Instant"

Now, by their definition it meant Anak Tiri, or it could also be Anak Angkat.

Funny.

It was also interesting because the callers were giving their opinions based on different perspectives of this Anak Instant, from stepmoms, to the fathers who married another and even stepchildren themselves.

From the stepmoms, they kept saying how much they loved their stepchildren and that they take care of em as their own. It wasn't easy at first, but they have set their minds before marrying the father. The fathers introduced the kids and the future wife before getting married.

The fathers called to complain about their predicament, how tough it is to juggle both parties involved.

Some of the stepchildren called to express how unfair the stepmom or dad were to them sometimes. Hmmmm.

I got bored of the topic afterwards and just went online. Then, I got to blogging. So, here I am. I don't know what the conclusion was by the end of the show..but I'm sure it went something like this:

"kita mesti jaga anak angkat/anak tiri sebagai anak kita sendiri"

"nanti bila dah tua, sakit, siapa yang boleh jaga kita?"

Something like those conclusions you write for your SPM karangan.

Btw, Good luck Ritz for your SPM results! =)

.the steppers, l e n a.

Aminnnn

Dear Blog,

Alhamdulillah! I feel so blessed to have had God (Almighty, the most graceful and most generous), my friends and family with me through all this. Thank you for helping me go through this mentally and physically. Thank you for being there for me when I needed you.

And congrats to those that passed.

To my friends that are to re-sit...all the best! I know you can do it! InsyaAllah, all will be well =) Don't give up, this is the time to be stronger than you've ever had to be. Push yourself to the limit okay? You will all be in my prayers. Good Luck!

Seeing this...is like, witnessing a miracle =)

.Ya Allah, thank You! I shall keep my promise to You, time to puasa nazar, l e n a.

coming home

Dear Blog,

6-7 days of utterly boredom-ness. That's right. It's the holidays and I'm doing squat!

I occasionally help around Toks' crib, but that's about it really. My daily exercise has been put on hold too.

Wanna know why? Coz the friggin' results are coming out tomorrow (initially i thought it was today). I tossed and turned last night, unable to sleep. And when I finally got to sleep, I was awakened by Mommy (although, i did get to sleep a bit..i mean, who knows how long you've slept until you've seen the sun come up, right?).

Results. Results.

For everyday that has passed ever since the exam, not a day did I not think about how badly I might've done this time around. O&G and Surgery...same-o same-o. I may have slacked too much this time. I feel like I don't wanna do anything 'til I know how I did that day.

I don't know. I think at the back of my mind, things at home really got to me. It bothered me so much til' I just didn't have the mood to study. Plus, my wisdom tooth was poking my gums and I had a slight flu and fever. Boo. That made my study week a bit of a hell. But, where would I be if it weren't for my friends - Assila and Fatin. If we hadn't pushed each other, there was no way we could've accomplished reading both postings in just a week. I had fun studying with them, as usual. It's very hard to find friends who study the way you do (if you study the way i do, that is). So I'm very grateful to have found them in this cruel, cruel course. THANK YOU so much guys!

Oh yeah...RITZ IS COMING HOME!! =D man, that was fast. His SPM result is coming out this Thursday, so National Service (NS) was cut short. Damn lucky lah that fellow =p

What a fool

First week there and already craving for a foot-long Italian BMT. Talk about spoiled-brat! haha

Aww..patutlah "ramai peminat" hehe

.miss you googoolaga, l e n a.

uncanny?

Dear Blog, (note: if you don't like me, STOP reading now! coz you might hate me even more after this HA HA)

What I'm about to write is....well, about me =p

For the past few months, people have been coming up to me and asking...

"hey? aren't you that pilot from Avatar?"

Some even come up to me and ask for my autograph. Wth?

As I dug up my brain and tried to remember who the "pilot" was...it came to me. Michelle Rodriguez. So, I went online and searched for her photo...like, to see what all the fuss was about. I searched and searched...and I think I don't really look like her as much as people think I do...

until I stumbled upon this pic of mine...

and this pic of hers...

Err...Adalah sikit...but not much really. I'm Malay, so the hidung kembang prolly changes everything HA HA. HOWEVER, I do feel honoured to have been approached by friends and family and having them tell me that I look like her.

MR is a really cool actress. She's a latina...how cool is that? She's very rugged and cool and rock-ish and cool and ganas. Did I mention she's a latina? hehe. Anyway, I get called "rocker" alotta times already and I used to feel uncomfortable about it. But, knowing that MR is also known for that...I might not care anymore =D Yay! Thanks MR!

Btw, I was only joking about the autograph thingy. Well, you know me. I tend to over-exaggerate my kidders sometimes. But I wasn't kidding about people approaching me and telling me how I resembled MR. What an honour! =D (biarlah kembang...tak boleh ke?)

.MR + hidung kembang + fat - 3 inches tall = l e n a.

sleeping in seattle

Dear Blog, (bila masa pegi seattle pun i don't know)

I overslept last night.

I was supposed to get Chuck from Fatin and zoom off back to Subang.

But...

I overslept.

Tau2 dah pukul 2am.

Yup, so I'm still in KTDI.

Yay...with a sad face.

.what a waste of cuti, but then again there's nothing to do.l e n a.

my shoes were NOT meant for walking

Dear Blog,

What a long day.

After the stupid Surgery OSCE (stupid is referring to myself rather than the exam itself), Assila, Fatin, Moh and I drove up to Sogo.

The 3 of us (me, assila, fatin) went for another K-therapy at RedBox-Ria (a melayu-fied version of RedBox me thinky) while Moh went in and out of stores in search for tudung and kain.

After the K-therapy, Assila went back home so it was just the other 3 left. Stuff that were bought:

1. Stretchable tudung thingy (Temoh)

2. Pink kain with all kinds of shades for Fatin's sis's wedding (Fatin)

3. Double tone kain for Fatin's sis's wedding (Temoh)

4. 5 sejadahs (Temoh)

All the while, I had no clue whatsoever about which shade of pink is nicer (they all look the same), which fabric is with better quality (they all make it difficult for me to breathe when touched), what colour goes best with what (i think i may be colour blind after this).

I bet I was naught but a useless shadow tagging along, which of whom's opinions does not matter. Plus, I was sick...so, I felt sorta weak. My nose was "leaking" and my eyes were teary from the flu, and because of that flu, I had a mild headache.

But I learned a lot from this outing of ours. I learned that :

1. tudungs come in many shapes, sizes and colours

2. the colour PINK can be masam

3. i am indeed colour blind

4. i am not a big fan of fashion, well-known brands and am oblivious to today's trends

5. i can be a really, really quiet person at times

My legs, feet and toes hurt! They feel like dah terputus or something.

I think I left both of my legs somewhere at Jalan TAR just now.

Well, that's all for today =p

.bee-ee-ee yourself, l e n a. (sarah! guess which cartoon! hehe)