if the shoe fits, can i call it home?

Dear Blog,

It's still hard getting used to U**M.

Although I'm not the most pious person around, I'm not really irreverent as well. I've got my limits and I know what they are. I can distinguish between what's right and what's wrong, but like all of God's creations...we've all sinned. To what extent? I'll leave that to Him, for only He knows.

It's just so hard. I mean, they've gotta understand. I don't come from where they come from. I wasn't raised as how they've been raised. My surroundings and social background is COMPLETELY different from what they grew up with. Now, they dominate, everyone knows that. But, of course there's nothing that we can do.

Some of the things that I do here, I always have to wonder if it is wrong or right when in fact back in my hometown people don't even notice and it's considered a trivial issue.

Do people talk behind my back? I'm certain of it. But, I can't say much because I don't actually "hear" them say anything (uh-oh, delusional?). There are times when I just don't care anymore, I mean...what the heck man? Get off my back people.

It's just so different here. I need proper guidance. I mean, sometimes I even wonder, am I actually adapting for Him, myself or 'them'? Often, there's just too much pressure. That's why getting away from this place and running back to the confines of my 'home' is necessary EVERY weekend. So, don't ask why I disappear at the end of the week.

I'm just glad I've found friends that can keep me sane all these years, in other words kind of sama kepala. I'd totally be lost without them, in fact, lonely even.

BUT...sometimes I feel as though I don't belong back 'home', too. So, where should I go then?

.what world do i live in? where do i fit in? l e n a.