I had a very good weeping therapy early today and a subsequent slumber session. I woke up feeling refreshed and more "myself" despite the puffiness around my eyes, headache and disorientation.
Here's what happened today
I had my Paeds short case exam at ward 4 this morning. I didn't get much sleep prior to this, prolly the nerves and the subconscious mind saying "don't sleep, you haven't covered that many topics yet!"
I don't wanna re-live the horrendous experience, but let me tell you this. I disagree with how the examiners here try to provoke you into getting all nervous and confused during the exam.
I knew what I was doing, I had the flow running threw me...but you had to start talking and interrupt my examination and further confuse me with what to do next. And you wonder why I missed that certain "important" step? Wasn't it you who said "ABDOMEN examination" when I was going for the peripheral examination?
Why were you getting at me with pointed knives as though I had supposedly missed those findings?
To top it off, YOU laughed and walked off in the midst of a presentation? How did that make one feel?
As though you're a joke? That you're easily brushed off like some kinda bug on a shoulder?
Yes, it may sound as though I exaggerated the details or better yet, blow things out of proportion. Who is to believe an insignificant student like me? In the eyes of the examiners/specialists/supervisors, it's always the students' fault. It's sad, but sometimes true. However, I've done many abdominal examinations and like duh~ Of course you have to begin with the general examination, but I got screwed by her. Oh, I really don't know how to explain this. Why did you have to talk while I examined? Couldn't you just let me be? Couldn't you just wait til after I presented? Then, by all means...show the world how much you know and how much I don't know. I don't care. Medical students always don't know anyway, isn't that right?
After telling people about my awful experience, most were like..."it's nothing", "it sounds ok je", "you'll be fine".
I would give anything for it to be just that. But, what if it isn't? How can I tell you that is was something? That it only SOUNDS ok and that I won't be fine?
YOU WEREN'T THERE.
I know that look she gave me, before she walked out on me and after she gave a devilish chuckle and grin. That "better luck next time, kiddo!" look.
That my friend, sounds so much like an F.
So, I met with my friends at the cafe after the exam. Everyone was like talking about their case and examiners. Me? I was blank and my mind wandered and kept replaying the whole scene over and over again, obsessing over the mistakes done and the tragedy of it all.
When my friends talked to me, I only listened half-way and my mind wandered again unable to focus.
When my friends asked me how mine went, my throat felt constricted and the tears gave way. How was I to stop from crying when I felt pain, embarrassed and stupid all at the very same time? I made the whole table uncomfortable, I know for they all stopped talking and looked at me for awhile. I just wanted to go back to my room and cry and sleep it off.
Thanks Mirot, for being a good friend. Sorry I was unable to talk to you guys at the table just now, it was rude of me to get up and leave while all of you were eating. Crying is a weakness, and you're NOT supposed to show how weak you can be. So, I had to get outta there.
I reached my room, my safe haven, my bed, my solace...I cried, all out. I called Jenna, and she just woke up from slumber not understanding a thing I was saying. I didn't care. I just had to let it out (note to self: get a boyfriend, lol).
She told me that it's ok to do bad, those are the things that make you grounded. Otherwise, you think you can achieve ANYTHING and EVERYTHING. Some might think it to be a tad pessimistic, but I prefer to think of it as being REALISTIC.
No, you can't achieve everything in life. No, you can't always pass everything. And no, there's no such thing as a happy ending.
So if I fail (God forbid), and I'm not saying that want to..but if I do, I have to be strong and have faith. There is a reason why God wants you to fail. You might have been "big headed" thinking you could succeed again and again...be a lazy ass student and get away with it? Noway, there are consequences.
."maybe paeds is just not your thing". l e n a.
p/s: whoops, sorry. I didn't think I was gonna share a lot. I guess once I start writing, it's hard to stop. So much for not wanting to "re-live" the moment. Anyway, all the best to the rest.
