Death Dream

Dear Blog,

I just woke up from a sad dream.

I dreamt that I was diagnosed with a severe heart-neuro problem and it was not curable. And in this dream, it was Prof Shahrir that did a thorough checkup on me.

Even though I just woke up, but the dream is still vague.

I remember being diagnosed at home, in Tok Mum and Tok Wan's bilik sembahyang. I don't know what Prof was doing at my house that time, it was weird.

I had a few signs and symptoms that didn't make any sense to me. I had anemia, finger clubbing, nail pitting on only a few nails, some sort of lesion on my left index finger, SOB, chest pain and some others I can't remember. I also recall Prof diagnosing me as having a Congenital cardio-meningio problem. He told me I didn't have long to live and that I will experience multiple seizures along the way before I draw my very last breath.

In my dream, I didn't take the news lightly. I shied away from the world. When family and friends came up to me, wanting to say sorry for hearing the bad news...I couldn't bear to listen. I just kept running away from people. Sometimes, I even got angry at them. I knew I wasn't supposed to, deep down I knew they only cared about me, but it was too unbearable - both the illness and the sympathy.

That 'me' also wondered why God chose this path for me and frankly speaking, I was mad initially. I had thought myself too young to die, not being able to experience life to it's fullest. But, I still shied away from the world, not being able to face anyone. So, I just stayed in my room...crying. Afterwards, every visitor I had...they would sympathize me while I cry on their shoulders. It was time to take it all in.

Almost everyone I knew and cared about was in that dream. I remember telling Sarah first. She took it the hardest, my dear twin sister. After her was Intan, then the rest of my family. Then there were my UKM friends, starting with my close friends, then some good friends and my other colleagues. I recall also being mad, coz the news spread pandemically. Funny, I never knew people cared about me. But, I thanked them anyhow.

As I write about my dream, the more it's slipping away from me. So, I really can't remember now. All I can say is, there were alotta crying involved.

In the end, I woke up. With tears in my eyes, welling up and all. Some were even dry. I wonder how long it was since I started crying? After waking up, I started to acknowledge my surroundings. It was just a dream. A horrible, horrible nightmare. I felt bersyukur/thankful to God, that it was just a dream and not real, InsyaAllah. I have learned a lot from this dream. To right my wrongdoings, and keep doing the right things; To know that God can take away life, just as easily as how He gave it; Realizing how many people cared about me was overwhelming too but very endearing; To react differently next time (uhh will there be a next time? hopefully not) and some other stuff too.

Anyway, time to get ready. I hope reader(s) can also learn from this dream, take it in as how I took it in. If not, well, it's ok. It is my dream anyway hehe. OK, take care.

.overwhelmed, l e n a.