I am such a coward

Dear Blog,

Firstly, wanna tell you how my first MASUM training went. There's only one word to describe it......EXHAUSTING! As Sham puts it, "nearly collapsed" (thanks alot for advertising THAT at my Facebook wall btw..lol).

I can frankly say that I almost fainted. Saw white stars everywhere, everything turned white and it seemed as though someone turned down the volume on everything. I felt lightheaded and had weak knees. The weather was too hot and I didn't eat and drink enough. What do you expect eh? So, I pretty much sat behind the goalpost and watched my team train. What a bummer! =( I joined whenever I could, but everytime I stood up, I can actually feel blood pooling at the lower limbs and not reaching my brain. It felt very hypotension to me, whatever that means. I forgot to bring my bottled drink, so I had to drink my team-mates' water. I'm so sorry =( Guess I didn't prepare myself. My body wasn't ready. Eversince SUKEM finished, I have been very inactive. Me thinky I have to start jogging again!! Good luck to that, eh? hehe.

Ok, about my cowardice.
I'm stupid, aren't I? I have been waiting for this moment eversince I met him and this is what I do?

I canceled our date today.

Well, I had a perfectly good reason, though and it wasn't made up. I told him I couldn't go tonight becoz of transportation problems. Sarah found out last night that she has night classes every night til her exams, requiring her to stay at BAC from 6pm til 9.30pm. She comes back home at 10, 10.30-ish. So, the movie that he proposed we watch was at 9.30pm tonight. How am I to get there if the car isn't with me?

I was sad I couldn't go, but the coward in me was......relieved.

I didn't understand this mix-up of emotions, but I seriously felt relieved when I knew I couldn't go. After a long, long sleep I figured the reason I didn't wanna go was becoz I couldn't trust him, not in the sense of my physical safety or whatever but more to the safety.......of my heart.

My heart can't trust him. Why? It's becoz he keeps telling me that we're just friends and yet he does things that not all friends do to friends.

If you wanna be more than friends, stop telling me we're just friends.
If you wanna be just friends, stop doing things that make my heart skip a beat.

I seriously am sorry for canceling the date at the very last minute. It was weird, though. I usually do that to other guys, as mean as it sounds, that's just me. I don't like going out with guys, wasting my time, giving them false hopes that maybe, just maybe they have a chance with me.
But with him, it's different. I didn't wanna go out with him coz I'm afraid I will like him more. I'm afraid all that "no contact" for weeks was all but a waste. I tried so hard to forget him, and when I finally succeeded being at the phase of "I don't care if he contacts me anymore", there he is showing up at my birthday party.

I dunno what to do =(

.a sunburnt & confused l e n a.