Why It's So Hard

Dear Blog,


...I have had no peace of mind today...

Something keeps gnawing at my brain and...biting, for if there were no biting there would be no pain.

I kinda knew what kept bugging me though. I had planned early in the morning (5.00am to be exact. I woke up at that time to read a bit on today's Protozoa & Helminth practical. I wasn't expecting on playing with animal feces though, *haih*. The beauty of medic) to have a lil time to myself. To think things through and to find out what it was that bothered me so. I wanted to hangout at Time Square by myself, just walk around, eat lunch and possibly finish up Eclipse while sipping my favorite Caramel Macchiato at Starbucks.

The mood was all of a sudden and since I have never enjoyed being anywhere by myself, this news gave my friends quite a shock. They know I'm not really the type to go out on my own. Therefore, they knew something was bugging me. I couldn't say what and why, but I offered a natural response to that sorta question. So I answered "Medic was my problem" - which was true, in theory of course.

Thanks to the Touch 'N Go I recently bought, I felt a light burden lifted off my chest. I'd like to thank God for discovering the beauties of Technology and Touch 'N Go otherwise, I'd hate to interact with all those rude and ignorant Monorail ticket counter people (that's right, you heard me. You are all rude and I hate you).

However, similar to life, plans are always changing unexpectedly. I found out that Fatin was going out with her boyfriend - Betirk, and that Anis was going out with a friend. After knowing this, suddenly I felt like watching a movie. But how fun would a movie be without a companion? Hence, I invited Temoh to accompany me. Temoh would be the best choice indeed. She's friendly, never out of topics, and I'm comfortable around her to just be myself - which is of course, the quiet type. I would've invited Ainul B too, but the movie we were planning on watching was Disney's Bolt. She thought it was too a-kiddy-of-a-movie, hehe.

Temoh said she didn't want to intrude my alone-time so at first she declined my offer. But I insisted, telling her that it'd be fun (Fun? Yeah, right. Fun & ME, we're inversely proportional). So we went by Betirk's car, since they were going to Sungai Wang...why not, right?

When Temoh and I arrived at Time Square, we brisk walked to TGV. Temoh, being the snappy-decision maker told me to go buy McD while she buys our movie tickets (1.30pm slot. We arrived around that time too). I agreed and obliged. The flaw to this plan was, I don't really know my way around Time Square yet. So finding McD proved to be a terrible-terrible waste of time. I used this time, however, to reflect upon my early stage of depression. Since I was able to have time to myself for even a short while, I was able to identify what bugged me. It was everything. From family to friends, education,financial status to social status.

Family
I had a huge fight with Sarah the other day. I don't think the water's under the bridge yet. I haven't heard any news from her so far. I apologized to her at her Blog (the coward that I am), and there was no reply eventhough she went online today. I felt really bad for doing what I did last Sunday, and I hope that she will forgive me.

Friends
This is rather silly. But I still couldn't accept the fact that a friend of mine watched a movie before our group outing together to actually watch that specific movie. To me, a promise is a promise and when you promise someone that you're going to watch that movie with him/her, you wait and watch with him/her. No matter how appealing the idea of watching it as soon as possible seems, it just ain't right. Especially if you've never even heard of that movie before and was actually introduced to it by him/her.

Education
I'm bored with Medic already. It's the same stuff every single day. You learn about a disease, how to treat it, get yelled at or get embarassed by the lecturers in PBL, MES or whatever and compete with the other medical students. Due to this boredom, I have missed lectures more in just this one month compared to the whole 2 semesters combined last year. The worst part is, deep down, even if I start studying last minute, I know InsyaAllah I can do it. That's not a good thing because I might take advantage of that knowledge and start being so lazy that I won't be able to be rajin anymore. And that's dangerous because I'll be starting my clinical years soon.

Financial status
My scholarship money is running low. I know I have about RM6000++ secured in my account, but I can't help but predict that it'll be even lesser in 2 months time. I love making my family happy and if aiding them financially eases off their burden (some, if not all) I don't mind using whatever money I have. For that reason, I rarely spend the money on myself. However, I can't help but feel scared that my money will soon become deficient. And if it does, who's my "Farah" to aid me financially? Do you think my dad, the cheapskate would lend me his money? I could hear him answering my question in my brain already.

"Who told you to spend your money on unnecessary things?"

and I reply, "It's not unnecessary. I just wanted to help pay for things that are unpayable"

and he would reply, "So? Is that my problem?" (with that annoying tone of voice of his. Ughh.) So from that reply, it meant "End of discussion".

Social status
My dumb conversation with MyV. I'm so, so, so very stupid. I can tell he thinks me and idiotic fool for being so emotional. I never meant for him to feel guilty (found that out after our YM session this evening). I was just asking him an honest question last night about why it felt so different after our last movie date. He said he didn't feel anything was different, in fact, he didn't notice anything at all. Which got me thinking, OK. I think I know where this conversation is going. So I ended it quickly before I hurt myself even more. I realized, that I want to forget him. I don't want to like someone and hold on to that feeling when it isn't mutual at all. I figured, I should start dating other guys. And that lead me to my date with Razini this weekend. He's such a nice guy, I don't know why I can't just like him instead of MyV. Maybe it takes time. Maybe, I will be able to have a change of heart soon. I wish it weren't so difficult though.


Those were the things that went through my mind as I looked for Time Square's McD. Thank God I did find it in the end, but as usual the queue was long. Bought the stuff, half brisk walked, half sprinted my way back to TGV and found Temoh there. Went in, ate McD inside, watched Bolt - the most adorable Dog animation Disney movie of the year! hehe. And went back to KTSN via Monorail and Taxi.

All in all, eventhough I didn't have my alone-time I did have fun and I hope Moh enjoyed the movie, at least. I know I'm not the best companion for these kinda outings, I don't talk a lot. For that, sorry if you felt bored Moh.

I gotta read up on GIT diseases for tomorrow's MES (YAY! with more than just a hint of sarcasm).

l e n a out~